Gracie

Such a time as this..

“and who is to say that you have not come to the kingdom even for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

A few weeks ago, our church filled the hallways with tables for bible study sign ups. Being we are still relatively new to this church (yet feel like we have been there forever!), we took our time glancing over the various curriculum to see where we might fit in to attend an extra curricular activity during the week. My choices were somewhat limited, since I do travel with work and am away alot (in a hotel room in Charleston, WV right now, in fact), so I steered clear of many of the choices. I did find one, however called “Hearing the Voice of God” and being that is something I earnestly desire in my heart, I signed up. The first class was to start 9-11, and I informed the instructor I would be away on work travel for the first class. She offered to return next week with the book so I could get work on it alone. I graciously accepted and went into the service, feeling encouraged about the fact we had finally settled into a church after nearly a 2 year search.

The next week, I went to the table and the same woman was not there. When I inquired about her and the possibility there was a book left for me, I was told the instructor had fallen down her stairs and broken several bones. She was unable to give me the book, as well as give me a definitive if an alternative was in place for the class. I felt so sorry for the woman much more than wanting the book, so I offered to pray and moved on, planning to pick up with her when she was well.

Suddenly another table caught my eye. The topic for this curriculum was called “Emotional Healing”. I was curious, since I have personally experienced trauma in my life time, as to what the class would entail. I do feel in my heart that God wants to use the things that happened to me in my childhood and early adult years as a testimony to another who struggles with the same issues I do. But I also know that in order for me to be an effective resource for Him, I have to go through my own healing process.

So I opened the manual and read the first question: Were you ever hugged as a child?

I closed the manual immediately.

Just then the Holy Spirit prompted me to re-open it and the words “It is time” came into my heart. After some serious thought, reluctantly, I signed up for the class, which also happened to start on 9-11.

That same Sunday, we went up for our Sunday class that starts at 9am. There are many classes to choose from in that, as well, but we had chosen one on Spiritual Warfare and found the fellowship and insight that came from around each other to be awesome. We were about to find out, however, that the series had ended, and they were about to start the new semester with an interesting topic: “Hearing God’s Voice”. Different set of people and instructors, yet the very same class I initially wanted and found God to be closing the door on me. That confirmed to me that I had made the right move in signing up for an emotional healing class in spite of my fears, and I was still going to get what I wanted in the first place.
Over this past weekend, we went to the,very overpriced, Christian Book Store in the mall.I went in just to browse, however, I was interested to see if they carried a book from Joyce Meyers called “Beauty for Ashes”. I had seen her advertise it on her program early in the morning, but I didn’t want the hassle of ordering it. It sounded like something I needed and the Holy Spirit had not released it from my thoughts on a daily basis. Sure enough, one copy remained of this $12 book and I knew it was for me.

You have to understand; I am not a book reader really. I am much more of a topical learner, and have never really gotten into books too much out of busyness and every day life. So for me to want this book was saying something. It was again, the Holy Spirit saying “It is time”.

I started the book a little over the weekend, but really was able to dive into it on my plane flight here to West Virginia today. With no other distractions like company or my laptop, I was able to concentrate on the book, which dealt with Joyce Meyers’ own personal battle with abuse and how God helped her to overcome. She didn’t have a PhD or a certificate; she had life experience, which many times far outweighs any structured schooling on a matter.

While my experiences in childhood are not exactly like Joyce Meyers, my experiences were just as painful. Doesn’t have to be the same; they hurt and wounded and scarred me. They affected me as an adult and have surprised many who know what my childhood was like, that I came out as well as I did. So, there were some similarities in experience, but there was much alike in the effect it had on her. Particularly in the effect it had on her personality. She described me in many ways by her own insecurities, and then others she named as applicable for others. I was really surprised to see the words, almost as if my name was written after each statement:

“I am not able to trust other people who say they love me. I suspect their motives or figure they have not gotten to know the ‘real’ me, yet”

“Some women become overweight on purpose as a way to make themselves less attractive” (this was very true of me. God has worked in me aggressively this past year and I have lost almost all of that weight. As I near my goal weight, however, I still find I have an underlying fear to deal with from time to time, but I am able to not feed the fear anymore. God helps me each day to trust Him and not be in the fear that got me to that point before).

“Activity Obsessions-exercise” (ah, but here is the catch: I went from feeding my fears and become overweight to exercising so much that if I miss a day I feel guilty. If I go too slow, I am mad at myself. If the scale doesn’t move, I panic.)
“Unsettled mind (always trying to figure out the next step)”

“Fear of rejection”

“Fear of others controlling them”

And the list goes on…………….

Its very frustrating when someone offers advice to someone like me that almost demeans what is going on inside myself. Its not that they mean ill will, its that they are innocently ignorant of what damage has been done to a child and how it has molded her these insecurities, much like an engraving on a piece of cement. We are a new creation in Christ when we are saved, but that does not erase the past for many of us when it comes to child abuse. The wounds still stick and have become scars. But thankfully, we have this :

“Though outwardly we are wasting away [in our mortal bodies], our inner self is being renewed day by day” 2 Cor 4:16

God wants me to be emotional healed so I can be an affective witness for Him. So He can send me to the broken hearted, the hurting and those who mourn. The only way He can do that is by bringing me out of my pit so I can be strong enough to grab the other’s hand and pull them out, too. Then we can both walk in the freedom Christ died to give us.
It isn’t necessary to get into why I have these issues; God was there when they were inflicted upon me, and He is there with me as He works on healing them one by one. To deal with it all at once would be overwhelming to me and too scary to want to go through. Its pretty scary now, but I know God has called me to such a time as this.

Testing the tempature

This week I had a very interesting discussion with my mother.

I should point out first of all, that Mom and I do not really have a close relationship. She is more the daughter, and I the mother. The reason for that is because of her own refusal to get past her own serious issues that have driven many away from her, and throughout the years, God had to move me to a place where I could look at her not as my mother, but as a child of God that He wants to reach. That was a very releasing place to be in my life, and the only way I could have any relationship at all with her.

So on Wednesday, my mother calls me on my cell, on my way to work, and after some shallow discussion about nothing much, she tells me that she is frustrated at God. She is angry that He didn’t show up for her the way she felt He should, angry that she is such a good person and how could He allow things in her life to fall through and is now considering going to back to Catholicism (we came out of that church when I was just about going into my teen years). Interesting note, Mom professes to be a born again believer; she said a prayer a very long time ago, however the fruit is seriously lacking

Now, I can understand where Mom is at, because I really know my mother very well. This is not unusual for her, because she has always felt that others in life are responsible for her misfortunes, and of course God would have to be included in that since He is the master of the universe. And since Mom feels that God “owes” her something by coming through on things the way she wants them, this is an opportunity to really see where she is at in her faith.

I spent a long time with her trying to get her to see her situation from God’s perspective, probably without much success that I could see, but it was an answer to a long standing prayer. God was obviously bringing her to a place where she is being forced to look in a mirror and see what she really looks like. Is she really a faithful servant of God because she calls herself a Christian, or is she in a façade that has even fooled herself? And so it is, God is using these things in her life to show her the tempature of her heart; something that must be challenged to determine its authenticity.

Revelations 3:15-19

15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.

God is not going to simply take us at face value. We are not going to enter His kingdom on just the fact that we may have said a prayer, particularly if it was not from our hearts. While we are not saved by works (what could possibly equal the work Jesus did on the cross?), faith without works is dead. Meaning that there will be some fruit from our lives if we really and truly meant our prayer to save our souls. And throughout our journey on this earth, God will always allow that to be tested so we can see where we are really at and if we really meant what we prayed to him about. He is going to put a thermometer into our hearts by allowing circumstances so we can really see what tempature we are at.

Is it Cold ? That is a heart that will turn against Him during trial and ignore the Holy Spirit’s promptings in our lives. Needs the heat turned up so it wants more of Him.

Possibly Hot? A heart will see Him through the trial and make sure that He gets the glory in the circumstance. Not a perfect heart, but a moldable one.

Or is it what God calls lukewarm? Double-minded. Hot when things are going great and cold when they aren’t. A place that really determines our faith, isn’t it? When in hard times, this is where we really can see how our faith holds up, and if we are going to deny Him or trust Him.

God loves my mother so much. He purchased her with a high price, but she has to determine whether or not she is going to allow herself to be used for the reason she was purchased for. God allowing these things in her life are to bring her to a place where she has to examine if she is just calling herself a Christian or if she is committed child of the Almighty God. His discipline in her life is to draw her closer and allow her to see that titles do not get you into heaven, a broken and contrite spirit do.

And its’ because He loves us and her that He does this with all of us; a gentle rebuke here on earth is a whole lot better than a stern rebuke in His presence.

Football Season

Last weekend, I attended the first football game of the season at my daughter’s high school. She is on the color guard and twirls the flags and rifles. I am sure this is just the beginning of a season filled with snuggling up with warm blankets on cold bleachers, drinking hot cups of coffee and learning a lot more about football than I ever thought I would .

Because she goes on with her marching band at half time, we sat from pretty much the beginning of the game to the end. Memories of my high school marching band days came back to me (I did the same thing my daughter is doing now-how sweet is that?). As I watched the football players lined up on the field watching their teammates fight it out with the opposing team. I could not help but chuckle at the size of these boys, who seemed so much bigger when I went to high school .

The next day, the Lord showed me how much football is like spiritual warfare. I thought about the possible comparison and football suddenly became a very interesting sport to me. And in light of spiritual warfare, how our roles as the soliders of Christ are much like the teams that play against their opponents. The only difference is, our opponent is more skilled and clever than any high school or professional team.

So, I thought about this:

1) What if the teams took the perspective of “We are under attack by the opponent” but just talked about and did nothing about it? They could acknowledge the fact they were going against another team all they want, but unless they did something about it, the opponent would cream them.

2)So, taking that one more step upward, what if they acknowledged the fact they were being attacked by the opponent, maybe got together and came up with a strategy, but once they got on the field, found that they needed something more? Perhaps they needed a different player to step in as a fresh player?
Perhaps they needed to reevaluate their current strategy because the opponent is still not letting up and scoring like crazy, and someone else could provide the insight on what was going on, because they were watching on the sidelines and had a better perspective than those in the game?

3)And thirdly, what if they didn’t work together in unity? What if, in spite of all the goals the other team was able to make against them, they did not work together and spent the time pointing fingers about why they were losing.

Their opponent would think that they were the biggest bunch of sissies he has ever had to deal with

All this absolutely makes sense when comparing it to spiritual warfare.

For one, we look at these teams that are standing there saying “We are being attacked! We are being attacked!”, but if they stand there and just talk about it and not see what else needs to be done, they will lose. Same with us in warfare against our opponent, the devil. If we stand around and just talk about the fact that there is an attack, but we do nothing, we will lose, too.
Now, we can pray. Absolutely, but what if, like in scenario # 2, we find that we need to do more than just prayer. What if it requires more of an offense in position than a defense? Our opponent is not in this for our benefit. He wants to win the game and he wants you to lose. Bottom line. We are called, in Ephesians 6 to take on the whole armor of God, not just one piece.

Ephesians 6:11
11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.

Did you ever notice how in Ephesians 6-no where in that context of scripture when it talks about spiritual warfare does it say “rebuke the devil”? We are told what pieces of armor to put on and to fight. Rebuking the devil was not part of the armor. And yet we find that to be a frequent weapon Christians use and nothing else. No matter how much we are attacked, we seem to pull out a weapon that is not even on the list and forget about the other items it does list.

Perhaps, we need to redirect our strategies in how we are dealing with the attack. Perhaps we are in error of how we are currently playing the game. If we are not seeing results, then perhaps we need to examine ourselves individually and as a group of believers as to what needs to be done as the football players of Christ try to get the ball Satan has tried to steal.

And for the third scenario, we see a bunch of boys playing a game and using all they have and still losing. What about the boys on the sideline? Can they not possibly bring in someone else to help those who may be weary from the game or not strong enough? Same as it is with christianity-could it be, if the battle is not being won it is because we are not listening to each other? Could it be that God can work through another brother or sister to show us why we finding ourselves back to the same old loss after each battle? Maybe they have been sitting on the sidelines and seeing all the mistakes their teammates are making and they want to see them score, because they are on their side. But if the other players choose to look at the teammate as an opponent or unable to make such crucial decisions, they could miss a possible opportunity to win the game.
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Spiritual Battle is not just warfare. It is a tool God uses to teach us how to get it right. Without understanding that attacks are really used by God as a learning instrument in our lives, we will find ourselves back in the same old battle over and over again. Just like the Israelites who had to walk in that desert for 40 years which should have taken them 5 days at the most, so God will keep taking us around that mountain until we get it right. He is very patient: He doesn’t mind.

Likewise, we can call everything attacks and step back and point fingers at the devil and each other, but if we refuse to examine our strategies and our selves in every battle, we will find the opponent coming back to the very same playing field. Its our choice.

Oh and by the way, our team won

Control

Funny how we work, isn’t it?

Especially me. I’m a piece of work. I love when God uses my stupidity to bring about a lesson in life.

This week I had my blood retaken for the second time. My first white blood cell count was abnormal. This time, it was a little worse, indicating that whatever infection I had brewing the first time in the first test had now gotten worse. I was feeling pretty ill this week too, actually, and had developed symptoms of exhaustion and weakness, and my throat had suddenly gotten very sore. By Wednesday, I was off work for the week (couldn’t really take it as I should have, though), placed on antibiotics and told to return in a few weeks for a third test in September. The doctor is hoping that the antibiotics will not only cure the current symptoms I have been experiencing, but also the hidden infection wherever it is, as well. They cannot seem to pinpoint what and where exactly it is. My throat pain almost instantly cleared up, however the weakness and exhaustion has yet to really improve much (concerning me, yes, since that means the infection causing the abnormal blood work is not responding easily-or at all- to this antibiotic. Today is my last day on it, too)

This morning, I woke up thinking I felt pretty good. I was anxious to make sure I had not gained any weight this past week since I had not exercised (I didn’t….in fact, I LOST 6lbs! How did THAT happen???). I proceeded to the gym ( deliberately ignoring a sudden sense of light-headedness as I entered my car). I was mentally ready to get back in to my routine, and I headed right to my favorite machine. I promised everyone who loves me I would not push myself and do more than 1 hour. I obviously was not physically ready, as I did not get past 30 minutes

At first, I got on the Elyptical feeling like I could get right back into the swing of things, and even felt I could increase the resistance level. After 15 minutes, however, my heart rate must have been through the roof, because I feel faint and ill. That has never happened before and I could easily handle this just one week ago. In fact, I was running on it and worked out another hour on other equipment, too! This time, however, I could not focus very well, so I brought it down two levels. That lasted about 10 minutes before I brought it down to the lowest level you could go. I mentally fought with myself to stay on that thing for the planned 45 minutes, but my body would not hear of it at all. It wanted off and it was going to make sure either I did it willingly or it was going to collapse right there in the gym. Not wanting a sudden emergency scene, I finally caved to how my body responded, came off of the Elyptical and left. I headed to my car feeling very sick and very frustrated.

I could tell my blood pressure was through the roof and I was very concerned I was actually going to need help. That’s when I knew I was bad, because I don’t like drawing attention to myself like that at all. I called my husband from my cell phone in the car, and barely had enough breath to speak. I told him I had tried and couldn’t do it. He almost had to come get me, because I felt scared at this point. I wasn’t right at all. I cried in frustration to him that one week ago I was able to run on that machine and work out in that gym for 2 full hours. Now, I could barely do it at all.
After I got home, I took a shower to help cool me down and relax and fell onto the couch. My blood pressure was still high and I could tell. You would think that I would be thrilled to death that I have lost another 6lbs and am so close to what my goal is. Yet, all I could think about was how my stupid body had failed me. How it wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do. It wasn’t listening to me. It was fighting me all the way, and making sure that it was going to do what it was able to do, not what my mind set for it to do. It almost feels like two separate entities. It wanted control, but so did I! And just the fact that I could not rejoice in the fact I have lost weight in spite of not exercising this week (a very good amount in fact), goes to show where my heart is really at. It’s not just about just losing the weight and keeping it off. It’s about having control.

Control, which comes from fear.
Uh oh, there is that word….CONTROL.

Bad word sometimes, isn’t it?

God has me flat on my back again. I was able to think about this more clearly, though once I was rested. I thought about the whole situation and how much I wanted to be able to do this, and because I wanted my way, it caused me more harm than good. I didn’t listen to the truth of the situation. I have an infection that no one can figure out. My body needs to rest, because something is wrong with it. I listened to my mind, not my body, that wants to act like a 20 year old and say “I can do anything I want to do! If I think I can do it, I can do it!” Just call me the “Little Engine that Could”

Isn’t this how we are with God sometimes? We think we know what’s best, and yet we fight against it, sometimes causing more harm to ourselves than His good. It becomes like two separate entities, as in my case, because instead of it being Christ in control, we fight to be instead. In truth, He dwells within our spirits and He is supposed to be in control. We are supposed to be unified with Him when it comes to our lives, not fighting Him every step of the way. Doing so can cause us more harm than good.

And, if we don’t listen to the Truth, we can all end up flat on our backs.